Monday, June 20, 2011

A month in review

It's been a month, more like a month and a half since I last posted. I found myself caught up in a new rhythm of life that just didn't allow for extra time on the computer. I have, in fact, spent less and less time using the computer over the past several weeks.

So what has happened in the last month and a half? Nothing has really changed. My eldest finished out the school year. Summer has now set upon us. It's a welcome respite from the rigid, daily school schedule. I enjoy morning outings with the girls and quiet afternoons.

The biggest change has probably come with me. I've realized a few things since I've quit my job. It's been nearly two months now since I left. As a full-time working mom for seven years, I used to fantasize about quitting my job and spending more time with my kids. As my work situation continued to deteriorate over the years, the fantasy grew and my focus on it continued unwavering. I had built it up so that it was out of touch with reality. I know now that my expectations were a bit overdone. I expected to have a perfect house, gourmet meals on the table every night, laundry washed and folded before anyone noticed it in the hamper, and constantly happy, smiling children. Maybe I didn't completely admit it, but it was part of the fantasy.

My life is far from that idyllic lifestyle. The house does get cleaned more regularly, but we are also home messing it up constantly. I am cooking more. I do love to cook. This produces lots of dirty dishes, which I spend an inordinate amount of time washing every day. The laundry is still a problem. Sigh... The kids are happy but not any more so than before. In short, life is good. I do enjoy it but--there is something missing. I miss a greater sense of purpose of contributing to something of doing something every day that doesn't get undone in the morning. I miss working. Yes, I said it. I miss working. I do not miss my previous job. That was a very unhealthy situation for me. But I do like to work. I feel like I am a better me when I do have somewhere other than the park or library to go to every day.

I have been looking for a part-time job, something I can do two or maybe even three days a week. I would like something meaningful that pays enough to make it worthwhile (childcare, work clothes, commuting). I haven't found anything yet, but I'll keep looking. When I do go back to work, whether that is next week or two years from now, it will be on my terms. I'm not making sacrifices of myself or my family for my career anymore. It needs to fit into my life and not the other way round.

In my journey of discovery, I've learned what I am and what I am not. I am a mom. I love my kids. I also love some time spent away from my kids too. I am an educated person with skills and abilities that should be put to use. I am slowly realizing that maybe I can be all of these things at the same time in the right balance. It's up to me to make sure that happens.

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