Thursday, June 23, 2011

Where is Your Focus?

I've come to the realization over the past several weeks that I would like to find some part-time work. I think that I am a better person, wife, mother, and friend when I am engaged in work outside of the home. I've felt the pull to find work stronger and stronger every day. I'm now spending at least 1/2 hour to an hour each day searching for jobs.

I read something over on Get Rich Slowly that started me thinking about why it is that I'm now feeling the urge to go back to work. After all, just a few months ago I felt pretty strongly the need to focus my time and energy into my family and our life together. It's not just because I dislike housework although that is probably part of it. Laundry will forever be my nemesis. I think it more has to do with the fact that I never really turned my focus into my family. My focus stayed outside, while I began spending my time inside my house. I'm here physically, but often my attention is drifting somewhere outside of this. I have trouble being present in the moment. After years of splitting my time and attention between multiple worlds of family, work and school. I find my frenetic focus is having trouble coming together on one thing. My husband said the other day that I quit because it was what I needed that he and the kids were doing just fine when I was working. It's not that they don't enjoy having me around, but they would be fine if I was still working too. It's true. There wasn't some great transformation when I quit. Life continued much as it had before. I am much happier away from my last job. The kids are still the kids.

I feel somewhat ungrateful or even perpetually discontented that I need to be constantly changing my situation. That's why I'm going to recommit my focus back to my family. I also have a big job coming up in August. I'll be taking over coordination of my daughter's school garden and garden docent program. It's volunteer work, but I'm hoping that it will give me more of a sense of purpose outside of daily dish washing and laundry.

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