Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Self-Judgment: My Own Worst Enemy

I've been feeling the need more and more of late to do something with myself. I worry that I'm wasting my life just raising my kids and taking care of my husband and house. I think about all the things that others are doing that I'm not doing and feel less than. I'm not measuring up. I used to do everything I do now plus work and attend grad school. I think about what I could be doing right now: working, going to school, pursuing a business, or just some greater good in the world. I'm not doing any of those.

I've forgotten about all of the reasons that I wanted out of that harried life. I wanted more time, a relaxed life; I wanted a break. Unfortunately, with all of that time for self-reflection, I've gotten quite adept at judging myself and coming up short in several areas. Because for all of my efforts at trying to rewire my brain and let go of modern society's standards, I haven't been successful. I still see myself through the eyes of others instead of seeing how I'm meeting the goals I set out for myself when I quit my job at the beginning of this journey. I think where I'm feeling most vulnerable is that I haven't figured out where I'm going from here. I know that at some point I'll be going back to work in the next year or two. I have absolutely no idea what I want to do or how to prepare for that transition. I haven't been to discern what my passions are and what I'd like to do in my future career. It has brought about all kinds of insecurities because I thought I would have some idea about that by now.

So, I'm clueless about my future and have fixated on the uncertainties of it rather than the certainties of the present. I have a beautiful family, a comfortable life, and great friends. So when that self-judgment monster rears it's ugly head and asks me what I've accomplished in the past year, where I'm going in the future, and what it is that I'm going to be, I need to have an answer. It's been in front of me all this time. I've spent a year being there for my kids, caring for my husband, maintaining my home, volunteering at school, being a friend, and learning how to be me without a career. I'm grounding myself for the future. I may not know what that will be, but I'm sure it will be fabulous.

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