On days like today, I wonder if maybe I’m just being selfish by wanting to leave my job and become a stay at home mom. The morning was easy. It’s hard to get out of bed no matter what. But the kids were good. They breakfasted, bathed, and dressed with a minimum of fusses. Everyone got out the door in time. The low pressure tire warning came on in my car, but I had time to stop gas up and air up the tires. I’m thinking hey this isn’t so bad. Are the tradeoffs really so big?
My two year old marched out the door this morning with a smile on her face ready to go “play with friends” as she calls it. My house is a mess of course as per usual by midweek. Last night’s dinner dishes are still strewn around the kitched, six loads of laundry sit in the laundry room clean but unfolded since Saturday. But I don’t much care for housework even when I have the time much less when I don’t. So as I sit here. I know my oldest daughter is in school filling up her mind with all sorts of useful and useless things. My youngest is probably getting ready for snack at preschool. My husband is well into teaching second period. They all have their place. All are safe and probably relatively happy. So what is the big deal? What exactly am I missing out on? Nap time?
As you can probably tell, I’m well into a period of self-doubt. Because when things are going relatively smoothly, what is the motivation for change? I am afraid of letting go of this comfortable yet unfulfilling career that I’ve built. It is my safety net. I’m afraid of losing ½ of our income in one fail swoop. I know what I want but the chasm that divides me from my new life seems so great right now.